Back In The Deep Dark Depths Of Hell…

… And I have a confession to make. It would appear, that after talking to some other people who suffer with mental illness, that a lot, not all, but a lot of people who suffer with self harm issues, more specifically cutting, like me, use getting tattoos or piercings to replace the self harming. I happen to think that if you’re into that sort of thing, it is a brilliant idea and a great way to prevent ourselves from ending up with a body full of horrid scars that we are ridiculously ashamed of.

The thing to be careful of, and this is where my confession comes in, is that my tattooist gets pretty booked up, and so there can be a fair wait to get in the chair, and this, as I have never told ANYONE before, causes me to seek refuge in another form of self harm. My problem is that if I don’t cut when I need to, I find myself binge eating. I’m doing it this very minute.

It can cause a lot of problems for anyone who does this. Obesity being the obvious one, and my eating is not regulated properly. I know nothing about binge eating as a mental health disorder, (actually, that’s not strictly speaking true, as I study mental health, I know a little), but I know my own body, and I know that I hold on to weight very easily, and the fact that I will binge for a while and then not eat for a while will not be helping my weight issues.

The other issue I have right now, is that I just want to get drunk. If I could, I’d be smashed right now. I’m not even sure what is going through my mind. I need help, but there is none available, and I can’t disturb anyone else who knows about me, as they’re few and far between, and all have important things on today.

I have to be strong and hold on. I know this, but putting that into practice is a different matter entirely.

H x

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4 Comments

  1. HEY THERE. IM REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT CUTTING. I READ UP ABOUT IT BUT STILL DONT GET IT. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO USED TO BE INTO IT, BUT I DONT WANT TO HURT HER BY ASKING… COULD YOU TELL US MORE LIKE HOW U DISCOVERED IT AND HOW IT FELT…ETC. ? Sorry for caps,new tablet issues…

    Reply
  2. I started cutting when I was 13 years old. It started with a depressive episode. I was caught in the midst of a depressive episode and I wanted to die, and because I didn’t have any ways of making that happen as a child in my parents house, I started cutting to ease the pain. It then became a coping mechanism from then on. Not sure if that answers your question or not but hopefully it’s helped you understand a little better at least.

    Reply
  3. merryquitecontrary1

     /  September 2, 2013

    I have been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. While I don’t self harm in the traditional sense I do have an arm full of tattoos. I think what you’ve brought up about tattoos being a form of self harm is intriguing and do wonder if there is anything to that.

    Reply
    • It is often considered a form of self harm by many who DON’T take mental health into account as an issue, but I find that it does replace the urge I have to harm myself when depressed. While I don’t find the tattoos particularly painful (depending on where on the body I get them), I do find that its just the right amount to satisfy the need. And the big bonus is that I get a nice pretty picture instead of a horrid ugly scar.

      Reply

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