So things are pretty shit right now. So much so that even hubby is avoiding me! He would never admit that he is avoiding me, but I know that he is, and I cannot say that I blame him, however two days in a row where there is no contact from lunch time until very late at night when you’re usually in contact pretty much all day every day, would indicate to me some level of avoidance. Again, I cannot say that I blame him.
Right now I’m at the point of giving up. I’m balancing on a very unstable ledge, and this time I might not be able to save myself. I’m on the verge of losing it all. Quite literally, everything. But the terrible thing is that there is no one out there who is going to help. No one to lend a hand, throw me a lifeline, or even just to listen right now. My only way to vent and try and make sense of it all in my head is to write it down here. It will take, quite literally, a miracle to get me out of this, and I am rapidly running out of time.
My depression has taken over, and the crisis team that should have been in touch a couple of weeks ago, has been nowhere to be seen. I am so far behind in my rent, I’m expecting a notice to seek possession letter to come through any day. I have already had a letter threatening court action over my council tax. I am severely behind in my gas and electricity payments and I haven’t been able to pay a water bill in what seems like forever. If that notice for to seek possession letter comes through, I will lose the roof over my head, and will quite literally be living on the streets. There is no help to seek for this, there is nothing anyone can do. No amount of budgeting will solve this problem, because there simply isn’t enough income to budget with. I am lost, with nowhere to turn.
I have self harmed today, and I still feel the need to do it again to resist the urge to go any further, but quite honestly, I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know what else to do. This is all just the tip of the iceberg, and there is nothing more I can say about any of it.
H x
Borderline/Bipolar 
unwrittenunsaid
/ November 22, 2013hi, i dont know if you ahve tried using an Advocate? I have experience of EVERYTHING you have spoken about and you need to seek urgent help before its too late. Use all your energy make a lot of noise, it does work. I was being ignored when I was breaking down, a formal complaint and use of an advocate has made sure that Im in the best hands now. New cpn , new consultant, I got listened to and taken seriously by the director of social services. i lost my home and business over 15 years ago. It is horrible. Use every bit of energy trying to save what you can. good luck J x
unwrittenunsaid
/ November 22, 2013ps I also have same diagnosis as you x
borderlinebipolarblog
/ November 22, 2013There are no advocate services where I live, and nowhere to get any help from. Because of the changes they have made to the way they do things, you are no longer entitled to a permanent cpn, only temporarily IF you are granted certain types of short term support, which you are not entitled to if you are on the waiting list for longer term support from psychology services, If I were to take up the short term support it would automatically take me off the list for the longer term support. I’m neither physically nor mentally fit for working at this point in time, which is also adding to my frustrations as I’m left with far too much time to think when my head does go bad. I have fought so hard for the last 15 years, and even now my once source of support is still avoiding me. It quite honestly just doesn’t seem worth it any more. 😥 x
unwrittenunsaid
/ November 22, 2013I am sorry to hear that. The only other suggestion I ahve is call MIND, they were a great source of help for me. Its worth a go….Good luck x
borderlinebipolarblog
/ November 22, 2013Thank you x