Oh, The Agony.

Some of what I’m typing may come out a little incoherent. I’m currently laid in a&e.

The reason I’m in a&e is because I doubled up in pain in my abdomen on my right side. Usually the first thing that springs to mind is gallstones. Well, I’ve had my gallbladder removed several years ago, but they recently informed me that regardless of this I can still develop gallstones. I suspect that this may be the case.

Having been in here for 3 hours now though, I can’t help wondering how I’m even awake through the pain. Before this particular pain started, I took my oramorph, topiramate and a zopiclone. I should be sound asleep, dreaming dreams of randomness as god knows I did last night.

There is nothing more I can say to the world this morning as I wait, while I suck away on the gas and air like I was in labour (and believe me I would prefer that l were in labour) than take an easy day wherever you can, because between my mental health state, my usual chronic pain, and this horrific pain, rest is all that will be on the brain just as soon as it is allowed.

H x

Exhausted!

I haven’t felt as if I have been able to write in a while. Things have been really chaotic for me. Last month I had a period of psychosis which was particularly unpleasant. Since then, I have been trying my hardest to get things back on track. I haven’t really known where to start, but I am really trying.

I have some fantastic support, I cannot deny that. And if it weren’t for that support, I may well not have survived this episode. I wish to god, that I could say that some of this support was from the relevant healthcare professionals.  I have decided today that I do no like the new psychiatrist. I think I have given him a fair chance. Yesterday he did nothing but patronise me. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he was the one acting like a BPD, not me.

I have actually had several members of staff that I have worked with in mental health recently, say to me that I do not have an ounce of borderline in me. I agree with this. I agree with this, because I have researched and researched borderline personality disorder and it symptoms over and over again. I also agree with this, because having researched it so much. I have come to realise that my mother more than likely has BPD, and me and her couldn’t be more different.

I have an appointment with a psychologist today, and I was planning on going in there, as I usually do with these appointments, with an open mind, and reserving judgement for as long as I can. Quite honestly, I don’t feel as if I can do that today. I’m too exhausted. I’m ill anyway, and quite honestly, I feel like I’m wasting my breath. I have reached the point where I feel that all I can do, is suffer and deal with it on my own as I have always had to.

I guess we will have to see, but I’m not holding high hopes for this appointment.

Anyway, I have to go for now, so until I feel I can write again.

H x

Prepare Yourself for Backlash When Going No Contact [Advice for Adult Children]

This post has given me an awful lot to think on. I’ve never denied that my parents were abusive. In fact, my mother still is. My father is mostly out of the picture, so he is no longer a worry, and certainly not a threat to me any longer. A truly thought provoking piece, by an outstanding writer!

The Invisible Scar

When the adult survivor of emotional child abuse decides to take a break (whether temporary or permanent) from the birth family, that decision may come to a shock to people in their social circles. From the outside of the family circle-—and even within it, at times—everything has looked perfect, tidy, and loving. To all who gaze at the birth family, the portrait of a good and loving family is all they see.

In that light, the decision to take a break may seem out of nowhere. However, that life-changing, painful decision has not come lightly. Many adult children have agonized over the decision, discussed it with mental health professionals, and also gone back to analyze all the years of small events and large ones leading to this drastic measure.

And when the adult survivor of emotional child abuse separates themselves from the birth family, they often upset the family’s self-image…

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The True Horror Of “Care” Homes.

Firstly I would like to give you the opportunity to look over this link:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/how-grandad-end-up-like-2121511

That poor man!! He had been withheld food and drink for the last few weeks of his life BY THE “CARE” HOME!! His partner had been feeding him prior to the home telling her she was no longer allowed to do that. They call this “end of life care“, and all I can really say to that, is if that is what they call end of life care, then please, nobody care for me when I am dying! I don’t want to be cared for if that is the case!

I just don’t have any more words to say about this, I am too shocked and disgusted by it.

Hello Mania, My Old Friend!

Hello to talking at 90 miles an hour. Hello to not being able to sit still, even when I’m sitting still (wtf? Yeah I know!!). Hello to being super-productive. Hello to feeling great. Not just great in fact, absolutely amazing. Hello to the fantastic sex (not that it isn’t fantastic anyway, but those who understand know what I mean). All pretty harmless stuff, right?

Well, this means also hello to pressured speech. Hello to prolonged periods of insomnia (hence writing this post at 3.20am). Hello to chaotic, disorganised and fast changing thoughts. Hello to starting about 50 different things at once, and finishing none of them, so the productivity then becomes chaos. Hello to being on the go non-stop, so much so, that my brain couldn’t care less about the physical pain I am in, no matter how much physical pain I am in, I just keep going beyond my normal capabilities. Hello to struggling to keep my big gob shut, and annoying every single person around me. Hello to the risk of blowing ALL my money and have sweet F.A. to show for it. Hello to the risk of hypersexuality and the risks that come with that (I was almost caught having sex in a public place just last night). Hello to delusions, paranoia and hallucinations (I’m not there yet, well, I’ve found myself coming out with some very paranoid talk, but I have realised after, so touch wood, I can keep check on that with the help of the hubby).

All of this stuff isn’t even a full list of what can and does happen for me, and yet still those in the mental health profession still do not hear me when I say how I suffer. I’m currently sat watching a program on the TV about the NHS and how poor services are for our mental health, and how so many people are failed by these services. It gives me peace of mind. I have no issues when someone makes an attempt to invalidate my opinion. It can be frustrating, but it would be frustrating to anyone to feel that they aren’t being listened too. However, on the many occasions that I have spoken my mind to our local mental health services, and how I feel that, while they have done good for some people, I still feel that they have failed so many people, myself included, and they just shoot me down with their seemingly favourite line, “well that is your opinion”. Yes it is my opinion, but I am aware that it is a widely shared opinion, and that is fact!

The fact that I am still trying to fight misdiagnosis, and my medical notes being so full of confusion throughout all of my life is ridiculous in my mind. I have had something happen yesterday that seemed positive, where I saw my psychiatrist and finally admitted that I didn’t think that I needed my meds, and had actually taken myself off them some time before I had even met him. He saw this as a good thing in the sense that I am not reliant on medication, which somehow the previous psychiatrist has come to the conclusion that I was so pre-occupied with meds that I was refusing therapy treatment and this proves to the new one that I am being honest that they had got me wrong completely, as I hated my medication and didn’t think it was good for me at all. The good thing that came from that, is that the new psychiatrist had asked the community mental health team in my area to give me much needed extra support previously and they denied it, but now he has grounds to fight my corner even more, as he says that essentially I am now not getting any treatment, and I need some form of treatment. We shall see how that goes.

I will sign off now, otherwise I will be sat here rambling away all night, and if I don’t try and get some sleep then the hubby will be telling me off when he asks how much sleep I got in a few hours time.

Night night world (or morning, it is 4.10am after all).

H x

A Call for Help With Esther McVey

Ramblings of a Fibro Fogged Mind

As we have still had no reply or acknowledgement from Ester McVey the minister for Disabled People. We would like Your help, we want everyone who signed the Open Letter  and anyone who would have liked to, to write to there MP asking them why 866 people haven’t even been acknowledged or replied to.

To make this easier we have produced a Template Letter  that you can edit. Please put your own opinion in if you feel up to it as template letters on their own have little effect.(Esther Mcvey template)  You just need to put your name and address on it, to prove you are a constituent and so you can be replied to. You can also email it if you prefer. Just remember to edit out the Red highlighted section as this is for your information.

Please let us know how you get on, we…

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The Coming Tyranny and the Legal Aid Bill.

Our country is falling apart at the seams and the people are letting the government get away with it. Why are we condoning this for crying out loud???

Politics and Insights

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“Ministers keep using the mantra that their proposals are to protect the most vulnerable when, quite obviously, they are the exact opposite. If implemented their measures would, far from protecting the most vulnerable, directly harm them. Whatever they do in the end, Her Majesty’s Government should stop this 1984 Orwellian-type misuse of language.”  – Lord Bach, discussing the Legal Aid Bill.

Source:Hansard, Column 1557, 19 May, 2011.

The Ministry of Justice’s “reforms” (Tory-speak for cuts) to legal aid undermine the fundamental principle of legal equality and violate Article 6(1of the European Convention of Human Rights: the right to a fair trial. They reflect a truly authoritarian agenda of legislative tyranny: the reforms effectively remove legal access for many, crucially that access ultimately safeguards individual liberty against intrusion by the State, and protects us from despotic abuses of authority.

The cuts will seriously undermine access to justice and…

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